Common Ground
by keeponwritin
Summary: Ashley Kerwin looks back. AU Season 4, after Time Stands Still.


A/N: Um. I wrote a fanfic one-shot. Yay me.

I don't know how it progressed to this point. This point where I was half-limping with half of Sean Cameron's weight on my right side, the other half being dragged along by Ellie. But half was really more of a guess. If I had to estimate more exact, I'd say Ellie was carrying more weight than I could hope to.

"I can walk on my… on my own," Sean said, trying to break free of our grips and indeed walk on his own, but instead staggering forward and nearly suffering a nasty spill down the steps of the church. I couldn't even stop myself from getting a little irritated. This was an important day for everyone, for the entire Degrassi community, and here I was, outside of the church, having to miss part of the mass to witness Sean Cameron, drunk as ever, making a complete fool out of himself and our whole school. Would it just be one news report after another? Surely someone was already writing the headlines, of the poor boy from Wasega who had saved countless lives. The hero. Our hero. But he couldn't save everyone, could he?

"Sean, stop it," Ellie said, trying to hold onto him and not let him try to walk on his own down the steps. "Sean!" After everything she'd dealt with with her mother, I felt bad not helping her with Sean. He was being a belligerent drunk, and I had half a mind to suggest we throw him in a cab back to Wasega and let him rot there with his parents. But, for one thing, I didn't want to lose yet another friend in Ellie, and two, I wasn't supposed to know about that. But I was getting more and more irritated with Sean by the second. I was missing the eulogy right now. I was missing the eulogy at my ex-boyfriend's funeral.

Degrassi hadn't yet opened back up, but it would in a few days. In a few days, I'd have to go back to school and walk by the spot where Jimmy's body laid cold on the linoleum floor with a bullet in his back. Shot by a psycho, a complete psycho who brought a gun to school over a prank. And I know Jimmy. I know Jimmy would never have done something like that. He just wouldn't have. And now Jimmy was dead because of it. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. Two days ago, Jimmy's dad told me the doctors said that had Jimmy lived, he would've been in a wheelchair for life. His basketball career would've been a distant dream. And his dad seemed to act like it was a blessing that Jimmy was dead. As if his only worth was to have a great basketball career. As if there wasn't a soul behind that face. A mind. A heart. And Rick just took that away from him, from all of us. In a year and a half, high school would've been over, and everyone could've just walked away from it unscathed, but Rick just couldn't see past it, see past high school and the bullying. Maybe I'd feel bad for him if the bullying were out of nowhere, if it were just like the bullying other social outcasts faced, but after what he did to Terri, he deserved it. It's not like my supporting of Rick's bullying meant I had anything to do with the shooting, with Jimmy's death.

At least, that's the thought I had in my head every night before I fell asleep.

Sean was now slouched on the bottom step with Ellie pacing back and forth in front of him. She was clearly pissed, but I don't know if it was for the same reason that I was pissed with Sean at the moment.

"What's the MATTER with you?" Ellie asked, in that 'angry Ellie' voice that wasn't all that convincingly angry, just sad-sounding. "This is Jimmy's FUNERAL, Sean, and you come in drunk and start spouting off…. stupid things that don't even make any sense." The truth was, the things Sean had said weren't that stupid, and they'd made a lot of sense. But I didn't dare say that out loud--it would be admitting that I wasn't completely infuriated with Sean Cameron right now. "It's Jimmy, Sean. I thought you guys were cool…"

"It's not ABOUT Jimmy," Sean said, with sudden intensity. "It's about… it's about my LIFE, El. Everything's so… fucked up all the time, with school, and my life, you know?" He paused and tried to sit up a little, unsuccessfully. "And I just… I don't appreciate you NAGGING on me, about my life. It's MY life, Ellie. You can't… control me." Ellie had stopped pacing while Sean was talking, and her brow had furrowed. You could tell she didn't even know what to make of anything Sean was saying. But the weird thing was, she actually looked hurt, even by the things Sean was clearly just saying because he was drunk. I would've thought she of all people would understand.

"Fine," Ellie said, trying to muster up as much anger as she could, but only sounding dejected. "Then I won't start here and keep NAGGING you." With that, she stomped up the steps, brushing past Sean. I thought she would stop and make sure I followed her, but she brushed past me. I looked down at him, sitting there all pathetically, then quickly turned back around to face Ellie. I guess all the emotion of the day must've gotten to me, because I couldn't bear to just leave a drunken Sean just sitting on the steps of a church. I imagined horrible scenarios of him stumbling out into traffic…

"El, what am I supposed to do with him--"

"I don't care. I really don't. Send him back to his mommy and daddy in Wasega. At least they won't NAG him." I wanted to tell her she was being irrational, but I wasn't up for a fight. Not to mention I'd thought the exact same thing less than five minutes prior. And I guess Ellie didn't really care if I followed her or not, since she didn't even wait for me. So I just stood there as she stomped back inside, probably causing the whole congregation to turn around and stare and distract from the ceremony. I felt horrible for Jimmy yet again. His whole funeral was a mess. Wasn't it bad enough, the way he had died? Now everyone was ruining this day, this day that was supposed to be all about Jimmy, and making about themselves. Sean was doing it, Ellie was doing it… I was doing it, too.

"Ash?"

It was Sean, and it startled me a bit. I had just been standing there, leaning against the top of the railing in a daze. With everyone inside, I had forgotten that I wasn't alone out there. I looked down at Sean and he was still facing forward, but he was slumped forward now, leaning his arms on his knees. I was torn between my annoyance with Sean and my annoyance with Ellie and the way she'd treated Sean. Although I'm not entirely sure when I started caring about the way Sean was treated by anyone. I sighed heavily, and my feet were possessed, as they started walking down the stairs and I came to be standing right in front of him. When he was sitting there in front of you, drunk and hurt, Sean Cameron just looked… small. Small and pathetic. "Yes?"

"I don't… really have a way home." Well, that was typical. Ask favors of someone who was angry with you. Not that Sean really had any clue I was angry with him. But he should. He should realize that everyone was mad with him right now. Even if it wasn't entirely true. He had still saved Toby, and Emma, and anyone else that Rick might've planned to hurt. Maybe he did deserve some credit for that. "Will you sit with me?"

I finally looked straight at him, and his eyes were bloodshot and watery. I sighed somewhat begrudgingly and took a seat next to him on the bottom step. As soon as I did, I knew I shouldn't have. There was a big part of me that didn't want to have to listen to "Sean's side of the story." I didn't want to sit here and listen to him talk about how tragic things have been for him the past few days, how hard it's been having watched Rick die, how scared he was when there was a gun pointed directly at him. I didn't want to hear any of that, because he was alive. Jimmy was dead. Inside, they were throwing holy water across Jimmy's casket. Compared to that, nothing about Sean's life right now was tragic, and there was definitely no reason to show up at this funeral completely drunk.

"I'm just… I'm just really sorry." I turned to him, a little startled by this apology. "I know today's really… really important for everyone, and I screwed that up." His eyes were getting waterier. "Everyone just… they just want me to be this hero, because I stopped Rick, but Jimmy still died. Jimmy's… dead. I could've stopped Rick, but I didn't know. No one knew, but I… I should've. Then I really could've BEEN the hero." Part of me wanted to tell him that no one blamed him for Jimmy's death, but part of me knew that I had been blaming him for Jimmy's death. And I couldn't bear to tell him any more lies. He was wiping at his eyes when I looked back at him, and when he talked, his voice was softer. "I really liked Jimmy. He couldn't have… that prank wasn't him, Jimmy wouldn't do that. I think… everyone knows that. Everyone except Rick." He looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry that I came between you and Jimmy." After all the talk about the prank and Rick, I was taken aback by the sudden mention of what really seemed like ancient history. Sometimes it felt like it never really happened, but the truth was, it was only two and a half years ago that I had been kissing Sean, and up until now, I hadn't let myself believe it was anything more than the e.

"Sean, I really…" I really didn't even know what to say to that. "I don't blame you… I mean, Jimmy was… Hazel's boyfriend. Jimmy and I were destined to fail anyway." As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I expected to feel myself tear up, but nothing came. I spent all of ninth grade holding onto the idea that someday, Jimmy would come back to me and we'd finally get each other again, but right then, I accepted the fact that Jimmy and I weren't supposed to be, that we never had much compatibility. It felt like complete sacrilege. A hundred feet behind me, they were honoring Jimmy's memory, and here I was, saying that he and I never should've been together. I looked down at my fingernails because I couldn't bear to look up or to look directly at Sean. "Do you ever feel like that?" I asked, offhanded. After a few seconds of no response, I looked at him, and he was looking down, too. I knew what he was thinking, that every relationship he was in was destined to fail, and that it was his fault. I didn't know how I knew that was what he was thinking, but somehow, I just did. I placed a hand on his shoulder and bit my upper lip. "I'm sorry. That was a dumb question, Sean, I'm really sorry." He shook his head vigorously.

"No, it wasn't," he said, still shaking his head. He paused for a second and wiped at his eyes again with his sleeve. "I just… never realized you and I had so much… in common." He smiled faintly, and it took a second before I looked up at him and followed suit. His eyes were glistening wet, but behind that, you could still make out the soft blue vulnerability I'd seen two and a half years prior.

"I've known that for a long time."


End file.
